How’s Your Morning

Every once in awhile we click on that link when the wrong person is nearby. Today for me, it was a kid and his dad. I didn’t even know. I’m serious. I thought I was opening a link on sports injuries, and that’s what it wasn’t. So the way things work, we all get to share a row on this full flight. There were so many other seats. How did we end up on the same row. Every time I open something on the iPad now, I feel the kid glancing over to see if he’s gonna get a high light reel, and I’m sure the dad just thinks I couldn’t hold back my desire for naked chubbies.

Aunt Bern’s Ceiling Fan

I’m stayed with Aunt Bernadette and she has an old house, but that’s no excuse for a ceiling fan, that when turned on, looks like it might fall out of the wall and cut your head off. I love Aunty but when you have to make life decisions to cool down or be decapitated, we need some home repair. I burnt up the whole night b/c there’s no proper ventilation, but at least I have my head.

The Big Audition

So I’m In Santa Monica auditioning for this new George Lopez pilot, for TV Land. I studied, I’m in the room, and I murder the audition. I feel great, and I’m proud, because normally auditions suck ass. I don’t think I could feel any better. Then I walk outside of the audition room, and Ashy Larry is next. AWW DAMN, NOT ASHY LARRY!! Even though I killed it, I lost all my confidence in a matter of seconds. Next time I leave an audition, I’ll just slip out the window instead of go through the lobby, that or not give a damn which is hard for me to do. I hate auditions!

FUNNY BONE HARTFORD, CT More dates on bio page


Embarrassing Stuff You Do As A Kid

In 5th grade I played little league baseball. On tv, I saw this guy Ozzie Smith on the Saint Louis Cardinals do a cartwheel when he went on the field, so I did it in my game, and looked so stupid. I didn’t immediately think that. It was years later when I was like, “Why did I do that?” Why didn’t I keep responsible people around me to keep me from those types of decisions? Why didn’t I ask my dad first? I remember this kid saying, “Did you just do a cartwheel?” I put my head down.     “Uh… Yeah.”


One sign that your kid is a hater. Wife and I are sitting at the table, each on our laptops, minding our own business. Then he comes to my screen and says, “Dad, whose that girl.” Me: What girl? “The one that was on your screen before you clicked it off.” ‪#‎TIMETOINSTITUTEASSBEATING‬