TOUCH ME

Take advantage of the beginning of your relationship. You can get neck rubs and ankle rubs and any kinds of rubs b/c you’re just excited to touch and be touched by another person. Take advantage of all that soothing muscle relaxation. One day, you’re not gonna touch each other as frequently, and you might need a leg rub and you might be stuck with the limp. “Rub it your damn self.”

A GUNMAN

Last night after the show, I’m walking back to my hotel room alone after having two amazing shows. This is not one of my smartest moves, but I felt safe and that’s why I did it. I’m in the downtown streets of Dallas Fort Worth, and its busy, but as I keep walking it lessens. At one point when I’m a block away from the hotel, a 5’6″ pudgy dude walks up to me and he’s like, “Bro, don’t let me get rolled on!” He looks scared and is clearly intoxicated, and he’s like, “Bro I got your back, don’t let me get rolled on!” Then I look back and this dude is being followed. He thinks this guy is gonna shoot him, and he wants my help. Now I’m scared, but playing it cool, and trust, I’ve been in many situations, but nothing even close to this. We’re walking side by side at a rapid pace, and he’s pleading with me, he’s panicking, and I’m not saying anything, just surveying the scene. Now its like we’re both being followed. I start getting flashes of my family and things that I love and start thinking about my escape. The potential gunman, who I can’t really describe b/c it was so dark, has sped up his pace behind us. Now we’re coming up on a corner and I’m like, “Look, dude. As soon as we hit this corner, you smash left.” There’s no traffic or people around. Boom! We hit the corner. Pudgy drunk dude breaks left and I break right. I got far enough away that I can look back and notice that the gunman is now walking in the opposite direction. I hook another corner and I’m back inside my hotel room. I just start praying. I can’t sleep. I just sit up, stuck on frightening thoughts of what coulda been, and if this was my last day, am I proud of how I’m living.
Other than having the chills, I can’t stop thinking of all the petty issues that we face, and grudges we hold, and stuff that’s really not that serious. Be well. 1/12/13

Another Hotel Room

Who cares about air quality? My sinuses are messed up anyway. I don’t mind this small mysterious room with curtains hanging off the wall and a microwave sitting half ass on the minifridge. That’s safe. At least my room telephone works tonight. I’m not picky. I am wondering why housekeeping chose to leave this handprint on the wall, maybe this is some sort of local tradition that I haven’t quite caught onto yet. At least their isn’t a dead guy in the closet. You know why, because this room is so small, I don’t have a closet. The bed is soft, but the room is so small when I get off of the bed, I’m touching the wall. That’s an odd location for a lightswitch. I hope you’re not short or you’re gonna have to throw an old shoe at it to turn it on. This is supposed to be a wall tv but its not a flatscreen and it looks heavy. If something snaps, its gonna land on the guide to Its Nothing To Do In Iowa. I have enjoyed my stay. I have time to reflect on all the things that I have to be thankful for. I love crappy towns. Yes, I use the word “crap.” Comedy brings such beautiful new experiences.

In my buddy’s mansion

In a mansion My buddy owns it. You look around in amazement and think you can achieve THIS from telling jokes, and then the bigger picture is you can achieve anything if you follow your dreams. My goals started at different levels. First I wanted to work the local club, then I wanted to be the middle act, then I wanted to work out of town, and so on. People quit and blame life on why successes are not met. Its not life or circumstances, its the individual who make excuses. My mom instilled in me early on that anything is possible, and I rode with it. I wanted to do everything as a child. I was going to be a news castor, I was gonna start in the NBA for the Bulls, cure AIDS and a bunch of other thoughts that I gave up on. I don’t know if its in my internal drive, but accomplishing things seem easy if you stick with it.