I want my wife to do standup. I don’t care that her heart is not in it. I just know how entertaining it would be, but not just for me, but for the world. It would be the most short-lived career ever, but some of the most legendary experiences lasted shorter than we think. She’s already talking crap about other comedians, and how she’d go to the local open mic and observe, just to build her confidence. I’m supporting her with all my might. I’ve even started pitching her material that she could use. Could you picture your partner doing what you do as a career?
I was in a cab in Birmingham, and as usual when someone finds out that I’m a comedian they start to tell me the worst jokes that I ever heard in my life, but this time the jokes were told in an African accent. The driver goes on to say, “So I was at the Los Angeles International Airport at a vending machine, and my friend says, ‘What kind of soda pop do you want?’ And he continues, “I want Ginger.” And a nearby woman says, “Did you call me?” And the driver begins to laugh hysterically. I couldn’t even understand the rest. I actually think that was the punchline. Her name was Ginger. Get it? Laughter combined with an african accent spells incomprehensible. The weather was too bad to walk.
Once you purchase a t-shirt, you have joined a membership that is gonna last until I’m famous and there is no longer space to give away free seats. Each shirt is like a ticket after you purchase it. In order for it to work, you have to email me when you wish to come to a show and I will make sure you are on a VIP list of shirt buyers. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org. If you don’t have time to email, you can just wear the shirt which makes it clear and obvious, but I am aware that everyone doesn’t wear it. There are many who have it in a private room attached to a shrine. You can buy shirts here on the website and for colors and sizes, you can message me. I hope that I have covered everything, but if you have any questions let me know. Ships in days given the availability.
Have you ever had a almond butter and jelly sandwich with healthy butter on the outside and lightly fried. Sometimes almond butter or hazelnut butter can get a bit pricey, but its really worth it. I was raised on peanut butter. Thats all I knew, and then you grow up and see that there’s more to the world out there. Its a good way to start the day. The sandwich is pretty light and it is filling as well.
Just recently I had a mushroom sandwich. It was amazing. You sautee the mushrooms in a pan and I like to add onions then you add cheese of any sort. I think the last time we used pepperjack, and that was all stacked in between whole grain buns with a side of fries that we baked in the oven with a bit of sea salt.
Next meal I eat are probably the most healthiest fajitas that are even possible. First one of us will begin crushing the avacados and the other will slice the vegetables. We use onions, green onions, red, green, yellow, and orange bell peppers. As far as the vegetables, you put the pan on high and coat it with olive oil. Then you dump the veggies and stir them and let them stay for no longer than 3 minutes on high. Meanwhile, you dip chips and eat them to make sure the guacamole is chunky and ready to go. We put our spanish rice in a rice cooker and the black or pinto beans or both into a small pot on low with the lid on. The lid helps them to heat faster. I love black olives, so I open the can and have them ready to go. We keep the sour cream in the fridge so it is cold as possible and dinner is served. Done in less than 30 minutes. Don’t forget the side of tortilla chips.
I’m about to write a book about a guy who gets in a fight at the airport b/c he’s so paranoid and during the course of the fight, he is injured in a way that allows himself better agility and stronger mental capacity and now he is able to dominate in an interest that he has always had to become a professional fencer. There will be flashbacks of the fight during the course of the novel and we will find out how evil of a human this character was, and his new found talent will be his worse enemy as he will later murder someone in a fencing match b/c of that same paranoia that lead him to the original fight. COMING SOON!!! Yes or No???
Someone’s dog just fell out of a moving car on a road trip through Missouri, and they still have 2 days of driving. Someone just lost their cell phone, and they’re on the way out of the country and won’t be able to enjoy Italy for the two weeks. Someone just got a long sentence in prison because they were at the party where it happened even though they were not involved. Someone just got separated from a loved one for weighing too much, and now they’ll never be able to retrieve anything from upstairs. Someone just got their leg amputated b/c they ate too many brownies in 94. Someone just pooped on themself on the way to work and they don’t have anymore sick days and if they’re late for ANY reason, they’ll be suspended without pay. There is no point to this. I just know that I’m having a bad day, but none of this is happening to me right now. I’ll be fine.
I’ve wanted to do this for years, but I don’t think it happened because I wasn’t ready then. Many of my experiences come from growing up in Baltimore’s inner city, and talking trash about the city is something I have never steered away from. I have many friends there that I haven’t seen in years, and even though I won’t like them anymore, this feels like some level of stepping stone. I’m joking. I’ll be able to check out some family as well, and who wouldn’t love being around a big group of crazy people, who are going to want to hear jokes about themselves until I do it, and its not as funny as they thought it might be even though everyone around them is laughing. I’m perfoming 7 shows in 3 days at the Baltimore Comedy Factory June 2nd- 4th. www.baltimorecomedy.com
Sensitive people should just leave the room. So I’m performing at a college and in the showroom there was a popcorn machine. At one point during the show we all could hear the kernels popping ferociously and I said that I need to get more laughs if we can hear the popcorn machine. Then an older gentleman speeds over and attempts to silence the popping and it look like he punched over 30 buttons and nothing was fixed. Still loud popping. So I said something AND I reinacted it. I’m a comedian, that’s what I do and stating the obvious is the number 1 rule. It was funny to me to see a guy bolt over to the popcorn machine and get no results, and hit as many buttons as he did. I told the crowd that I was glad he was here, because you never know when you’re gonna need a Popcorn Technician. I also mentioned how he applied for the position. “Yes, I’m here to apply for the Popcorn Technician.”
Hiring person says, “Well, we could always use one of those… I guess.”
PT, “When do I start?”
Hiring person, “Our first comedy show is Friday night.”
I felt like there was no harm done, I even used him as a reference to other jokes. We were having a grand ole time. Show was excellent and original. One of my best. Afterwards, the guy playing the role of Popcorn Technician just happened to be chairman for campus activities and we talked about it and shared some laughs. That show was on a Friday night. Well, on the following Tuesday, I get a call from my agency, chewing me out about the show. I laughed for our entire conversation b/c I was waiting for her to say she was joking, and she never did. Honestly, I’m still not sure if this was a joke, but I know even though the show was amazing, I won’t be returning to the college in Fredricksburg, Virginia.
You have to love the clothes you’re wearing when you leave the house or you’re just gonna have a questionable day. You can’t walk out with a half confidence. People say Its not in the clothes, its in you. True, but if you’re not in love with the gear you’re wearing when you leave your place, it could come back to haunt you. I hate when I walk out the house and I’m feeling myself and then someone says, “That’s what you’re wearing!!” Yeah…, what’s wrong with it? Then they say, “Oh, Nothing.” Now, for the rest of the day, I’m looking for problems in my own clothing because of another person. And this happens to me quite often. I tend to have a different type of style. At least, that’s what I call it. For now on, I’m insulting back. I can’t just let you ruin my morale. Someone ever insult your clothes?
How do you know when you’ve exhausted the time that you should stay with someone? You can’t always wait for people to kick you out. There’s a lot of people who won’t even kick you out, they’ll just begin to hate you more and more each day until you can feel it, and then you decide that you should probably go. Should how long you’re gonna stay be discussed the day you arrive? Should you just be like, “Oh well.” People are more likely not to mind you if you don’t disrupt they style of their living. Can they live as they did before you showed up? And more times than not, the answer is NO. If you have a guest and you like to walk around naked, you should share that info. Thats enough for me to not want to stay (if you’re a dude). If you have a killer pitbull, I’ll pass. If you keep loaded weapons in every room, I’ll pass. If you like robbing your past guests, I’ll pass. If the bathroom is your only available room, I’ll pass.