As funny as you are, you’re still like, “I hope there’s a line at this show.” When no one is there, it’s not fun. I don’t care what people say. Some people say, “I don’t care if it’s 1 or 1000.” I’ll be honest, I perform differently if there’s 4 people vs. 900 in the audience. I’m gonna have A LOT more fun with the 900 people. At the end of the show with the 4 people, I’m probably gonna apologize and give them some free tickets to a future show. Shoot, I’ll probably be apologizing for the entire performance. It’s nothing like being in front of 900 audience members who came to laugh. Those 4 people should have been at THAT show, and the one with the 4 people should have been canceled. Whoever is reading this right now, I need you to look at my schedule make sure there is NEVER only 4 people at any show where people came to see me. Best, MEW
I use to play girl’s softball until one day this aggressive left hander hit me with the pitch and I felt like she did it on purpose. That was the second inside pitch in a row, and remember she’s left handed and I bat right, so it was forced, so I rushed the mound and tackled her before anyone else could come in between us. She was cussing, calling me a chump, and said I needed to stop telling jokes about ugly girls. That’s when I knew it was personal. I had her pinned down, and someone was pulling on my neck and I couldn’t breathe really, but I yelled to her that I wasn’t even talking about her and she needs to grow up and be a fan or stop coming to my shows being all judgmental. I did all that while being choked. I got ejected which was messed up b/c I’m the one who got hit and battered. I also hold the record as the only dude ever to get thrown out of a girl’s softball game in the Rancho Cordova Woman’s Softball League. I still don’t know who was choking me from the back.
I just left Wyoming and Montana, and actually had fun. It’s cool sometimes being the only black person in a state. The driving part wasn’t cool. I was driving up a snowy hill like I was Shelia on Why Did I Get Married 1. I never want to have that experience again. Two lane highway full of ice. I got into the game for jokes, not for any more near death experiences. People always say its all about the story, well this time it wasn’t nothing funny about almost sliding off the road into a chicken shed. One time I pulled over so this 4WD truck could pass by me. My car started sliding down the hill into the ditch. I had to lean to the left then slightly hit the reverse pedal at about 2mph, like I was in some action/adventure movie. I was like, “Man, if I fall into a ditch, that would be kinda funny.” I saw wild animals. I mean like no fence, just horses and elk. Then I saw a sign that said bear crossing. Why am I not in LA?
Being a big star and all, sometimes I get tired of flying first class to my comedy shows, sipping on expensive drank, and popping my head back catching peanuts. And what about the chauffeur? Who got time to be looking for some dude holding a sign that says Winfield. Shoot last time I got in Winifred’s Escalade. Point is, sometimes you get exhausted being a big time star, and just wanna take the bus. The dangerous bus. THE GREYHOUND. See the second guy asleep in the background.
First of all, I’m on the Arsenio Hall show! Second of all, I’m backstage with R. Kelly! Thee R Kelly, KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW R. KELLY. I’m about to tell some jokes, and you never know how you’re gonna be received. I feel so good right now, and this crowd is hot. And my gear! I’m feeling so fresh. I feel sexy, and It’s not because I hear R. Kelly singing in the other room. I wanna give a big thanks to Arsenio Hall, All my fans, my manager, my agency, my crew of assistants, and the support of my family, that includes everyone I’m related to.
I like when I see a couple standing outside their car kissing and feeling each other up. That means that they really like each other. Everyone doesn’t take the time to get it in like that. That’s what I want to do. I want to want to stand outside my car and get intimate. After you been in a relationship for a while, you forget about stuff like that. You just plan and schedule everything. I want her to wait in the greenroom of the comedy club like the the decoy on Maury Povich and try to trick me and I fall for it.
I hope my sex tape with the senior citizen never surfaces. I don’t want that type of fame, even though I don’t regret it. My homie was like, “Why not? Fame is fame.” No it’s not. That would haunt me for my entire career. I would always be the guy that wore out Betty Mae Henson. There’s some sick people in our world and I don’t want any part of the pornography industry. You can like or love my jokes, but no one needs to know about my spectacular private moves. I didn’t even know they had cameras in the Home. I was just doing a routine drop off to one of the elder gentleman that says he has cataracts and back pain. I was like, “Sir, you don’t have to claim both. You still get it.” Then outta no where from around a corner her comes Betty with jokes and fresh baked goods, two of my favorite things.
I think I’m gonna take advantage of my current opportunities. In a few days, I’m gonna pitch my hilarious sitcom idea to Katie Couric, and see if she wants to be a producer on it. Why not? It’s funny how something like this may seem so far fetched, but nothing is really far fetched if you put your intentions out there. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. If I try to opt out, I hope someone reads this and makes me commit. ABC will probably be the first network to throw out an offer. I’m not opposed to being on one the four top networks, however, I wouldn’t mind my show being coupled with Modern Family. I think it’s a great fit.