It’s time to start booking this year’s Christmas Party, and every year there’s a few things that are inevitable. Franks gonna drink too much, Linda is gonna give the longest drawn out speech of 2013, and probably 2014, and we’ll get to see Ryan and those special dance moves. Now, it’s time to spice it up and bring in some Live Stand up Comedy with one of the finest, funniest, and sharpest comedians performing today. Email firstname.lastname@example.org for more details.
OCTOBER 15TH- EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY
OCTOBER 16TH- UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA- HUNTSVILLE
OCTOBER 17TH- NACA CONFERENCE
NOVEMBER 27TH- 1ST- PUNCHLINE COMEDY CLUB SACRAMENTO www.punchlinesac.com 916.925.5500 (6) Shows
DECEMBER 12TH- 15TH TACOMA COMEDY CLUB
DECEMBER 27TH- 1ST COMEDY WORKS DENVER (8) Shows www.comedyworks.com
Every city I go to, people keep trying to warn me that I better watch out b/c its “hella ghetto” there. I sometimes wonder what they mean, but I don’t bother to ask. I grew up in Baltimore, MD. I’m not sure there are places that can top that Bmore life. I don’t care. I’m not there to hit up all the house parties and sell rocks, I’m there to tell jokes so more people can be part of the legend. I still have about 2 legs left to add on my throne, but I’m almost done. I learned my lesson in Fort Worth not to walk the streets… Ever! I learned from DMX that everyone’s the man in his own hood. Comedy. So easy.
What do you really want? You seem so strong and so focused, then you seem so tender and fragile. Can we have four consecutive days without irritation. Can you keep in mind that when you’re irritated, a lot of times it has nothing to do with us. I know there’s times when it does have to do with us, but can we address it in a regular calm tone of voice. When you yell, it pisses me off and makes me want to yell. I’m not at my best when I yell. It doesn’t fit my personality to handle a matter with rage. Can we kiss more frequently during the day? I don’t like to wait. When I ask for personal requests, you have to know that I’m serious and I like you to do it on your own. Its not the same when I have to remind you. What I ask may seem simple? It is, I’m just a visual person. Can You listen? I constantly visualize and believe you’re the most beautiful human on earth, so give me an image. I don’t care to open a magazine. We can talk again later. I’d like that.
I wanna go to France so I can hang with some Paris homies and sip on some of that nice red. I’m gonna buy my wife a bunch of those spring dresses. I don’t have many interests besides comedy and youth sports. France seems like a spot I can go and lay low and get away from the celebrity.
Weirdest thing happened or maybe it wasn’t so weird. I walk into a business that I always go to. Today, I was in way earlier than I normally go. So, as I’m pulling into the parking lot, the owner pulls in and one of his employees is in the passenger seat. It didn’t seem too strange at first thought. Then as she’s getting out, the first thing she says is, “Its not how it looks.” Ok… so now its interesting. Where at first I didn’t care, now this has turned into a talk show. I didn’t think it looked like anything, but now I guess they are getting it on. I still don’t really care. I haven’t blogged in a while and this happened today, so why not. Sometimes things are newsworthy by default. He defended it by saying, “Yeah, we live on the same block.” Smooth buddy. These were the two guiltiest people that I’ve encountered in some time. I’m glad people are in the streets enjoying each other romantically.
How can your flight be three hours late? Did the pilot have some sex he couldn’t pass on and he called United to tell them something came up, but he’ll be on his way in a few. Is he Denzel Washington? For my inconvenience, they gave me a hotel and a food voucher, but no one cares that you want to be vegan. They always have a beefy-ass chicken-ass menu selection. I’m sitting here at the Denver airport at some pub. I don’t hang out in pubs, but tonight I’m chillin, eating a bean burger and sippin on some Sweaty Betty Blonde. They never have drinks called LaKisha. And where is the chef from? Why does he have to wear this full armored chef outfit if all he’s preparing is sandwiches. What is it Halloween? What’s next, is my taxi driver gonna be dressed in a limo outfit? Man, I gotta go. I have a comedy competition this weekend. Big fun right? I have to be funnier than 9 other guys so I can win $10,000. What am I really trying to achieve this weekend. I don’t know. I’m just gonna have as much fun as I possibly can and I’m buying some damn shoes. I’m Mike E. Winfield.
When I win this competition the first thing I’m gonna do is stare at the check for 4 days. Maybe 5, depending on what day the last day falls on. That’s still a lot of money to me at once. Then I’ll tell my wife that I won on that fifth day once I’m done staring. Depending on how she’s acting at the time, I’ll tell her that I placed first or fourth. That’s a joke. She’ll read the results online. I don’t really need rims, I need a car, but I’m not buying one. I’ll probably hit the strip club if my wife wants to go. She won’t let me go alone. I’m too charismatic. After I’m done dropping 30 over there, I’m definitely going out to eat at Noble Veg, that’s this Vietnamese Vegetarian restaurant. Super good. Then I’ll cash the rest and put it in my pillow case, so I can sleep on a money pillow. Next week I think I’m taking tap dancing lessons. I’m doing different things this weekend so I can get different results.
Take advantage of the beginning of your relationship. You can get neck rubs and ankle rubs and any kinds of rubs b/c you’re just excited to touch and be touched by another person. Take advantage of all that soothing muscle relaxation. One day, you’re not gonna touch each other as frequently, and you might need a leg rub and you might be stuck with the limp. “Rub it your damn self.”
Last night after the show, I’m walking back to my hotel room alone after having two amazing shows. This is not one of my smartest moves, but I felt safe and that’s why I did it. I’m in the downtown streets of Dallas Fort Worth, and its busy, but as I keep walking it lessens. At one point when I’m a block away from the hotel, a 5’6″ pudgy dude walks up to me and he’s like, “Bro, don’t let me get rolled on!” He looks scared and is clearly intoxicated, and he’s like, “Bro I got your back, don’t let me get rolled on!” Then I look back and this dude is being followed. He thinks this guy is gonna shoot him, and he wants my help. Now I’m scared, but playing it cool, and trust, I’ve been in many situations, but nothing even close to this. We’re walking side by side at a rapid pace, and he’s pleading with me, he’s panicking, and I’m not saying anything, just surveying the scene. Now its like we’re both being followed. I start getting flashes of my family and things that I love and start thinking about my escape. The potential gunman, who I can’t really describe b/c it was so dark, has sped up his pace behind us. Now we’re coming up on a corner and I’m like, “Look, dude. As soon as we hit this corner, you smash left.” There’s no traffic or people around. Boom! We hit the corner. Pudgy drunk dude breaks left and I break right. I got far enough away that I can look back and notice that the gunman is now walking in the opposite direction. I hook another corner and I’m back inside my hotel room. I just start praying. I can’t sleep. I just sit up, stuck on frightening thoughts of what coulda been, and if this was my last day, am I proud of how I’m living.
Other than having the chills, I can’t stop thinking of all the petty issues that we face, and grudges we hold, and stuff that’s really not that serious. Be well. 1/12/13